That's what HE said: Fall TV 2012

I love October. I'm a summer baby, and summer is still my favorite season, but in contradicting fashion and when pressed to name my favorite destination on the Julien calendar, October it is. The first frost to vanquish my formidable allergies. The chance to wear clothes with legs and sleeves. Pumpkin anything. And of course, new fall TV shows are in full swing.

Way back when in our glory years, the summer was reserved for being outdoors; we had spent too many hours on our couches during the school year staying on top of our favorite shows and needed to be reminded what the sky looked like. For my younger readers, it should be noted that this was when the gods of TV programming told you when your show was going to air, and if that show was important to you, you made arrangements to oblige them. The time-shifting power of TiVo was nothing more than an idea at the time, and certainly not one floating around my neighborhood.

Thank God I skipped Betamax...

By my teen years, I reached the point where my annual TV viewing became so obsessive and so time-consuming that, ahead of my time in needing a DVR, I bought blank Maxell VHS tapes in bulk and became a master VHS-recorder operator, navigating the TV Guide grids with different colored highlighters and programming my front-loading silver and black box sitting atop our home's lone idiot box in its ornate oak cabinet with precision and regularity, always extending the recording time of each show by a minute on either end because those bastards at the networks would frequently lack accuracy in their delivery of the shows.

Then, on the weekends, I would try to catch up. And hours-deep into my videotaped review of the past week, my eyes would narrow in a wicked snicker as I'd blast past the commercials (take THAT!) in an attempt to shorten the viewing time of a half-hour sitcom to its true 22 minutes of content. But there were two problems. First, the reaction time of the rewind, fast-forward and play buttons was so slow that after three attempts to come out of each commercial break at the right time to pick up with the episode, I'd added all of that time back anyway. And second, I failed to label those VHS tapes, adding hours of frustration to my viewing resulting from my having to pop each one in every time, trying to figure out what I'd watched already and where there was room left on a tape to record something else.

Kids, I hope you appreciate how good you've got it...

In a recent moment of self-psychoanalysis, I now wonder if my reticence to label recorded VHS tapes was a predicting factor that I would one day be a high school teacher teaching a class called "Mass Media" and exciting students with my TV unit, which highlights a variety of shows from the 1950s through today. Do you know how many shows I already had on those blank tapes? As it turned out, I was writing curriculum before it was cool, gathering my materials for a career I had never predicted I would have. And the reason the tapes were never labeled was because the shows on them were originally recorded for one-time viewing. I was then supposed to recycle the tapes and record more over them. But I couldn't bear to erase them. So I kept buying more tapes because an inner-voice so strongly said to me: "You might need these again some day."

That voice is currently sequestered in about six cardboard boxes in the back corner of my basement, and it has yet to learn of the TV-series-available-on-DVD phenomenon, though I stand justified until the day that they finally release "Chicago Hope" in this format. I have every episode on VHS. The rest of you have NONE. Keith-1, World-0. Hey...do you have a VHS player I can borrow to watch "Chicago Hope"?

It goes without saying that the arrival of the DVR made me feel like Joseph Smith receiving the golden plates. But with great time-shifting-and-recording power comes great responsibility. One must manage one's DVR. And I didn't know how. Before long, I had stuffed mine to 98 percent and, unable to keep up, was soon pitting show against show in electronic cage matches in my brain, the loser getting the delete button to make room for something else. I needed a better solution.

I needed a second DVR.

This brings me to today, both in the time-of-my-life sense and the actually-right-this-moment sense concurrently, and with not one but two DVRs consistently storing over 90 percent of their capacities with programming waiting to entertain or disappoint me. So in desperation, I created a few strategies a few years ago to navigate the waters of each new fall television season. The rules are not pretty and they've often caused me some pain, but here they are:

1. Carefully study the fall TV grid, using "Entertainment Weekly" as your Bible. Read about the shows. Look at cast lists and reports coming out of the industry. Make some initial judgments based completely on hearsay. You won't have time to try out everything.

2. Go day-by-day through the grid, highlighting anything that looks interesting and taking note of potential time-slot match-ups. And in the event that a given slot should present you with three worthy options, curse the programming gods for their overly-generous bounty and inevitably sacrifice something.

3. Record the first episode of anything that looks remotely interesting.

4. Attempt to watch everything before the second episodes air. If not, the rule states that you must continue to record episodes of said series until you've watched the first episode, because if you decide you do like the show, you'd be screwed if you missed the subsequent episodes. This rule is where things start to get messy and "TV Left Behind" syndrome kicks in. (More on that later...)

5. This is the rule that I get criticized for the most, and it's admittedly the most careless and even insane rule I have about television. But life is short, and here it is. If I am not hooked on a show after its pilot, we're done. Yes, you heard me. One and done. I almost never give a show a second chance, and this explains why I am not currently watching shows like "Community" and "Parks and Recreation." Both praised for their brilliance by fans and critics alike, their pilot episodes were shite. I know, I know...these things take time to gel and evolve into something wonderful. But I have six boxes of tapes in my basement and two full DVRs! I don't have time!

So what am I watching this fall? I'm finally about to tell you. And let me preface this by saying that I write this under a cloud of regret for all of the shows that I wish I was watching and am not. It might not be too late thanks to all of the ways we can now access shows whose ships have already sailed. But catching up feels daunting. I'm hoping that something on this list will be worth starting with and sticking with. And since the he said/she said format I'm writing with my friend Melissa is designed to feature lists of 13, I'm giving you my notes for the seven days of the week for new shows, plus six additional categories.

1. NEW ON SUNDAY

Nothing. Wow...so far this is easy. Sundays are filled with shows I wish I was watching, like "Homeland," "Boardwalk Empire" and "The Good Wife." I buy seasons of "The Simpsons" on DVD and torture myself with watching episodes from 10 years prior when the cultural references have become stale.  But as far as new shows go, the only one I've recorded to check out is ABC's "666 Park Avenue." I haven't watched it yet, but it will have to be better than Sunday Night Football to keep my interest.

For those who always thought
Superman was gay.

2. NEW ON MONDAY

"Partners," on CBS.  Although I'm nearing gay-saturation with my TV viewing, I can't not watch a show created by and based on the lives of the two men who gave me "Will & Grace," one of my favorite sitcoms of all-time. Having Michael Urie (from "Ugly Betty") on board ups the ante, and I can't resist the novelty of a show about two men who are best friends and one is gay and one is straight, as this is exactly my life (my best friend is gay). I just have to see how this plays out. I've seen two episodes so far, and though I'm not blown away (check out former Man of Steel Brandon Routh as Urie's cardboard, lifeless boyfriend), I'm still in.

3. NEW ON TUESDAY

This is a big night. I've already checked out "Ben and Kate" on FOX. The show is getting picked as the year's best new sitcom by many publications. I watched it and laughed only once, making it the first victim of my fall viewing rule #5. Now I'm sure it will probably go on to be brilliant and win a bunch of Emmys and I'll be mad that I'm not watching it. But the rule is "one and done." I must oblige!

I've also already checked out "The Mindy Project" (FOX), which I liked a lot more, though I have no sentimental attachment to Mindy Kaling whatsoever as I do not regularly watch "The Office." I will probably give this show a few more tries to make a clear decision on it, but I enjoyed the pilot enough to move ahead.

Bryan and David: Utah's favorite couple

This leads me to NBC's two new Tuesday sitcoms: "Go On" and "The New Normal." I've seen two episodes of "Go On" so far and have recorded the rest. I like the premise and the show has promise, but I can't figure out why I haven't felt compelled to run to the couch and watch the rest of what's sitting there. Why am I not totally hooked yet?

As for "The New Normal," it's the one new show that I'm totally caught up on, and I'm surprised by how on-the-fence I still am about it. I could write an entire essay about my problems with the show, from its ridiculous stereotyping of every subset of humanity - a Ryan Murphy curse - to the fact that I cannot see the show's two leads as a couple at all. But I won't do that here. Instead, I will just say that the show's irreverence and snappy writing have kept me in the game, for now. Well, that and Ellen Barkin, who with better writing could be the 21st Century Archie Bunker. Just engrave the Emmy now. "Modern Family," your days of winning the supporting acting categories are numbered.

4. NEW ON WEDNESDAY 

Another big night. I've already watched and immediately discarded "Animal Practice" (NBC). I've recorded "The Neighbors" (ABC) but haven't watched it yet. I've heard it's not that good but secretly want it to be, so I will still check it out. But Wednesdays come down to four shows that will make me dub this fall: Guilty Pleasures Wednesday. Here's why...

"Guys With Kids" (NBC). I am smart enough to know how conventional this show is. The live audience laughing at the darndest little things. The tired sitcom jokery. But I'm stuck enjoying it because of how closely I can identify with it. Yes, my kids are older than those portrayed on the show. And yes, I don't live in an apartment complex which conveniently also houses my two best friends and their families. But "Guys With Kids" is filled with tiny moments of recognition that ring so true to a guy my age raising kids. And I have to admit that I've already developed a boy crush on Zach Cregger. So even though I know better, I'm watching and laughing.

Am I excited? Abs-olutely.

"Arrow" (The CW). Heaven help me...I'm going to watch a show on the CW. I'm a huge DC Comics fan, and the company's relaunch of its Green Arrow title with its "New 52" series last fall was a bust for me; I grew bored with the title after committing to the first 10 issues and stopped reading it. But I don't think I'm done with the character of playboy billionaire Oliver Quinn, and I'm excited by what I've seen so far in the promos. The networks are stuffed to the gills with fantasy and horror-edged programming now. I'm hoping this show will be my escape.

"Nashville" (ABC). I'm not a country fan, but I love music, and I love the premise behind this show, which I'm hoping will be my soap opera for the season. And it has Tammy Taylor (Connie Britton...RIP, "Friday Night Lights"), so I don't need more of a reason to watch, though having T Bone Burnett produce the music doesn't hurt.

McSmokey? (McSteamy was taken)

"Chicago Fire" (NBC). Dick Wolf has made a career out of cop shows, so turning to the fire department is a natural next step. This is not the kind of show I would normally watch, but I'm tuning in for two reasons: watching a show filmed in Chicago, and Naperville Central alum David Eigenberg, who played Steve on "Sex and the City." I have to support a hometown hero, and I've met Dave a few times and know how close to his own heart the profession of firefighting is. Dave actually snuck in to the rubble post-9/11 to help with rescue, even though he wasn't a "real" firefighter. He saw that horror through their eyes. I know he'll bring that to his role, and I can't wait to watch him do it. So imagine my surprise when, in the show's pilot, they damn near kill him off in week one. He's not dead yet, as promos for upcoming episodes have teased. So I'll be tuning in to see what happens.

5. NEW ON THURSDAY

Nothing. I remember when Thursdays were the night to watch TV. Not anymore. There are a few returning shows on this night I will continue to watch, but nothing new. "Elementary" looks interesting, but I suspect the British "Sherlock" is better, and I'm tired of the derivative. The other new shows look generic. I'm playing this night safely and staying out of it. Plus, it's "Grey's Anatomy" night for my wife, so I'd rather stay the hell away from the family room.

6. NEW ON FRIDAY

Again, nothing. Whew! I have too much to watch already.

7. NEW ON SATURDAY

What? There's TV on Saturday?

Okay, so I've identified 10 new shows I'm going to try out, indicating that I'm already invested in four of them for the long haul. So here's how I feel about everything else on TV:

8. REALITY TV VIEWING

So in a moment of weakness over the summer, I let a friend convince me to tune in to the train wreck that was "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Fully understanding the criticisms of the show, I allowed myself to get hooked. But the novelty eventually wore off, and the last three episodes of its first season are taking up room on my living room DVR like Mama June on her living room couch. I think I've been reminded that there's only one kind of reality TV I can handle.

Game of thrones

That kind of reality TV is the music competition, and the two shows I'm making time for are "The Voice" and "The X Factor." I watch the voice because I am genuinely entertained by the inter-play among its four superstar judges, and the singing is more regularly as good as it's billed. I watch "X Factor" because a former student of mine is employed as Simon and Britney's bitch, and because I like the format of the show; it's more interesting to me than "American Idol," which it's time to admit has one foot in the grave and like a knee from the other leg.

So will I watch "American Idol"? I want to say no, but I can't resist checking out the new judges panel, at least for a few weeks, for the same reason that any of us check out any real-life craziness on any other reality shows we watch. And then, once I've satisfied my curiosity and if I have any brain, I'll give it up. And television wouldn't take my brain, would it?

9. RETURNING SHOWS I WILL CONTINUE TO WATCH 

Happy Endings: adding to the English language

My favorite scripted sitcom on television is ABC's "Happy Endings," a show that comes closer to my personal sense of humor than anything else on television. Though Casey Wilson is certainly brilliant, all six leads are fantastic, and the show features TV's only gay character who doesn't spit out a purse every time he opens his mouth, a feature I actually had to grow to love because the show's creators made Max virtually unlovable at first. And all gay characters are loveable, satirical mascots of humanity, right? It's a fresh version of "Friends" with quirk for days and enough Seinfeldian outrageousness to make me wish each episode was directly followed by six quickly-passing days and 23 hours.

I am also committed to satisfying my musical theatre side with "Glee" and "Smash." "Glee" can end at any time and I'd live, but I like the curves it's throwing so far this season. Like creator Ryan Murphy's newest show, "The New Normal," I have as many problems with it as I do reasons to love it, but I can't bear to look away. And Sue Sylvester remains one of the best characters on TV. "Smash," by comparison, is a more adult "Glee," and is really just getting started. Many of the numbers created for its first season were actually quite good, and I'd like to see where it goes.

Though I'm a few episodes behind still, "30 Rock" and "Modern Family" are two additional sitcoms I will continue to watch. "30 Rock" is in its final season, and though the show hasn't felt like it's had anywhere to go for a good year now, I want to see it through to the end. Plus it's still by far the most unconventional comedy I watch out of a litany of traditional comedies, such as "Modern Family," which after you strip away the novelty of the documentary style of it has fast become the very definition of conventional. But "30 Rock" is the most surprisingly written show I watch, and "Modern Family" is so brilliantly performed that I can't dislike it. I have a bunch of last season's episodes to finish of each show, but am still invested.

Awaiting a Stefan sighting:
reason enough to watch SNL

And finally, I'm still watching "Saturday Night Live," though I never watch it "Live." Complain all you want about how each episode has maybe two good sketches and the cast has lost it now that Kristin Wiig is gone. If you ask me, that's what the DVR is for. The show has been giving us water cooler moments for almost 40 years, and I'm not going to miss one simply because every episode is uneven. With my thumb on the fast forward button, I'll continue to tune in, always looking for the show's next big star and willing to skip over anything that bombs.

Honorable mentions must go here to "The Daily Show" and "Colbert Report," which I try to catch as often as time allows but do not weigh myself down with daily viewing requirements, and cable news networks, which are my favorite way to fill smaller amounts of free time. And Sundays are still for football in my house, whether on a network, ESPN or NFL Redzone, the glorious, ADD-themed experience where the show's host (who I think is related to the host of "Wipe Out," strangely enough) sends you from touchdown to touchdown across the country, the sports version of an adult film made up of only money shots. There was a time when watching two football games in the red zone on a split screen at the same time would have made me nuts. And then I bought a bigger TV.


10. THE SEARCH FOR A GREAT TALK SHOW

I'm not ashamed - male though I be - to admit that I've had a conspicuous O-shaped hole in my life since that fateful day when Ms. Winfrey selfishly ceased operation of her daily Chicago-based talk show. I would DVR the show every day, and my decompression time after work included checking out what was on "Oprah." If the episode focused on something dealing with makeovers or lady bits, I'd simply delete. But more often, I was riveted. And ever since she left ABC, I've been searching for a replacement.

I love Anderson Cooper as a news anchor and have been disappointed and shocked by how much I have not liked his afternoon talk show. This year, it's gotten even worse, as Anderson has changed its format to include a live taping and a rotating daily co-host - one who's inevitably on the D list and virtually irrelevant. And why can't Anderson breathe during the day? I'm annoyed by his audible inhales when he talks. Diaphragm, man! In order to continue to respect him on CNN, I had to let him go here.

The thought of another TV journo-love of mine, Katie Couric, returning, also had me excited. But I watched her episode on "50 Shades of Grey" in her new show's second week, and quickly learned that Couric had lost her magic. She's reduced herself to punny jokes, themed wardrobe choices (like a leather outfit for this particular episode) and lowest-common-denominator interview questions. I am devastated and done.

Oprah: my questions, your house

Steve Harvey? Lord, I tried. He's funny as hell, and his show has no clue what it wants to be yet. His Pinterest dating game feature is a clever idea, but I don't have the time to wait for him to figure out how to make everything gel.

So my must-watch talk show as of now has to be..."Oprah's Next Chapter." What I've learned is that no one can handle the format like Lady O, so why bother attempting to replace her? Has anyone on another talk show done an interview as compelling as the one with Kony 2012 mastermind Jason Russell or even Steven Colbert? And since the show airs only once a week, the time commitment is much smaller and my guilt non-existent. 


11. SHOWS I HAVE NEVER WATCHED BUT WISH I WAS WATCHING: MY EMBARRASSING LIST OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES AWAITING NETFLIXED REDEMPTION

"Keith, you would love 'Game of Thrones'." Indeed I would. But I've never seen it. I'll wait for the DVDs, I guess. But who am I kidding?

Meth-od acting at its finest?

"Thrones" is but one of a handful of shows that I freely admit I am not in my right mind for passing over. Shows so good that I risk giving up my serious TV-viewer card for skipping. How in the name of God did I not immediately latch on to "Breaking Bad"? Why would I pass up "The Good Wife," with that cast? Mandy Patinkin is on "Homeland"...isn't that enough, or do you need to throw in Clare Danes, too? What? She's on there, too? What is wrong with me?!?

Scorsese created "Boardwalk Empire." Why am I not watching the marvelous Steve Buscemi every week, instead of getting him in small doses via Coen Brothers films on Starz? And given my love for Neil Patrick Harris and the always charming Jason Segal, was I smoking pot for not latching on to "How I Met Your Mother"? And speaking of pot, shouldn't I be watching "Weeds"?


Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Yeah...I know. But I'm damn-near embarrassed to admit that I have yet to watch any of these shows. If you asked me today, "Breaking Bad" feels like the show I'm most inclined to pick up in an effort to correct this problem. But this leads me to my last point...

12. "LEFT BEHIND TV": SHOWS I ONCE WATCHED AND LOVED OR BEGAN TO WATCH AND LOVE THAT HAVE CONTINUED TO PILE UP ON THE DVR OR DVD SHELF, STILL UNWATCHED (A PSYCHOANALYSIS)

Damn you, handsome devil!

I own every season of "Mad Men" on DVD and rave about the show every chance I get. But I can never engage in any meaningful conversation about the show because of my dirty little secret: I've never seen beyond the first season. Sure, I recommended the show to friends who have subsequently embarked on frantic library rental binges over summers and breaks, lapping up hours of Don Draper-y goodness at a time, getting caught up with me and then plowing ahead.

But when life got too busy for me, I allowed one of my favorite shows to pile up on the DVR. I became overwhelmed and froze up. Before long, the retail releases of the seasons arrived, so I bought them to allow me to free up those hours on the recorder. I could get to them on my own time, I thought. And as time and subsequent seasons march on, I continue to spout off about how amazing the show is based on what little of it I've seen.

Not finishing things is a character flaw of mine. And while discussing the fall television season seems to be a rather trite setting in which to discuss a genuine personality flaw, I've come to recognize this "Mad Men" thing as a metaphor for other aspects of my life. I love the show so much that I appear to be saving it for some special time when it has the full attention of my soul, opting instead for the consumption of lesser things that fill my time but don't fulfill it. And soon, I am "left behind," the award-winning programming raptured up to television heaven without me.

Some of the best shows on television join "Mad Men" on my list of shame. My other favorite drama is "Parenthood." Love it! Well, loved season one. Taped all of season two, then season three. Bought season two on DVD so I could erase it from the DVR (season three was still too expensive). And now I'm taping season four. (Or are we on season five now?) In my mind, I've never stopped loving the show. But when will I catch up?

Genre shows like "The Walking Dead" and "American Horror Story"? Love them. Two or three episodes apiece. And the rest is on the bedroom DVR. And shows like "The Tudors" and "Spartacus"? I watched all but the final seasons and hope to one day seal the deals, especially considering that the shows are now over.

And, most inexplicably, I'm a season back on "The Big Bang Theory." At least with this show, I've seen almost three full seasons (if I'm not mistaken), so I have a lot more invested. But why did I stop? Ditto "True Blood," a show I always manage to be just one full season behind. So close, and yet so far away.

I am looking forward to the invention of Life TiVo, that glorious day when I can pause the universe and hit play on all of this wonderful stuff I've been missing. Until then, I will rave about all of these shows, whether I've seen much of them or not. I can't give up hope that one day I'll fulfill my viewing promises to myself.

13. PLEASE LEAVE MY BOX RIGHT NOW: THE SHOW THAT NEEDS TO GO AWAY

There is no scripted show so heinous, no reality show so devoid of morality, as "The View," a daily round-tabled cage match of peri-to-post-menopausal women shrieking about everything and anything and a show that I dare say fills the gap left by Jerry Springer, even though its aims are admittedly far more noble.
Whenever I have a day off of work, a two-minute glance at this show leaves me thankful that I am gainfully employed and unable to watch with regularity.

Taken individually, the show features some interesting and talented women. Whoopi Goldberg has an EGOT, for goodness' sake! She belongs back on the big screen. Barbara Walters has had a storied journalism career and now needs to retire. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is probably a wonderful mom and should be campaigning locally for the Republican candidates of her choice. Sherri Shepard is hilarious and should limit her work to playing Tracy Morgan's wife on "30 Rock." And Joy Behar is a bitter, once-funny comedienne who still has a show on HLN to give her something to do to a much smaller niche audience.

Put these five women at a table together and you get an absolute nightmare, and the folks who book guests are clearly gunning for the most explosive screaming matches disguised as conversations that they can find. Why else would they ask Ann Coulter to appear on the show? Look away, people. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, and even she learned to look away. So should you. "Two and a Half Men" is the most played-out, overdone show on TV. But even that is more enjoyable than "The View."

So there it is - my love/hate relationship with television. We go way back, and it runs deep. And clearly, I love to talk about it. But while I've been writing this, four hours of recorded television stacked up on the DVR. So I'd better get going. If you're still reading, find out what SHE said over at Uncomfortably Numb!